Our Journey Begins

It's been a few days without Troy, which to say the least has been really weird. Luckily in these past few days he's just being trying to get to Afghanistan which gave us the opportunity to talk to each other almost every day on Skype, or at least IM each other. I have a funny feeling that that will not be able to continue with such frequency (unfortunately). I have to keep details to a minimum as to where he is and when he got there or when he'll get there... but lets just say they must be getting closer because I have not heard from him for a while. This is the hard part... I think I'm sort of getting over the initial shock and fear and sadness of this whole situation, however, it's only temporary I'm sure. Luckily I have lots to distract me now that I'm home. I'm still trying to get myself settled in here and unpack the few things I brought with me, as well as clean out my closet that still contains some remaining items (about a million pairs of shoes and all my winter gear) that I left here when I first moved away to CA. Everyone once in a while it creeps up on me though, out of no where I'll feel this serious stinging pain in my heart (figuratively of course) that won't go away. I'll feel like crying my eyes out, or simply sitting there in a depressed state of mind not wanting to move a single muscle. Sometimes I don't really want to sleep for fear that another day will come and it will be one more day that I have to live without him here with me. Now all of this is not as bad as I'm describing it because I'm smarter then some might think and I don't actually allow myself to succumb to this depressed sad feeling. Not that I try to hide it away, but I do make a very good attempt at remaining positive and pushing forward. It is not only my heart and my body I have to keep functioning now. I have this little boy growing inside me and I cannot let my stress and/or worry affect him.

I'm doing rather well all things considered. Now I say this being only about the first week or so into this deployment, so we'll see how that changes. It's hard. No one will ever really understand unless they've literally been in my shoes, and there are very few in my circle of friends and acquaintances who have actually been here. I do appreciate everyones support and their advice, but sometimes it's just not enough because they know just as well as I do that there's not a whole lot anyone can really do or say to make the sadness of missing someone go away.

Thankfully, so far anyways, Troy is also being very positive and has been doing his very best to keep my head up as well as his own. For this I am truly proud of him and very grateful. He continues to tell me how our time apart is not so long in the big scheme of things, and that he has more wonderful things to come home too. He talks to me about how he's proud of us and our baby that's coming and that he cannot wait to meet our little man. These things make me so happy and so sad all at the same time. It breaks my heart to think of our first son being born and my hubby not being able to be there in person to see and experience it all in real time, first hand. Perhaps I am speaking too soon, because there is always that small possibility that they'll allow him to come home for the birth... which I am always praying for. God works in mysterious ways though, and perhaps, for reasons unknown to Troy and I both, it's in His "plan" to keep us apart for this first birth. It makes no sense to me, but I'm doing my best to keep my trust in the Lord, that he'll see us through this and whatever His "plan" is, it's the right plan and it may never ever make any sense to anyone but Him.

This smile melts my heart. (snapshot taken while webcamming on Skype) He is so truly happy to see me, even through a video on the computer, I can see it in his face and in his eyes. Even so far apart, I'm so so happy I can make him smile :-)

We'll be just fine. :-)